Five shots just fired in front of my apartment and the woman on the stoop just kept standing there lighting her cigg in the rain

I need to stop taking the D train.
What I used to love about it was that it travels over the Manhattan Bridge. It transcends subway and leaves the ground. Taking this bridge is one of the few times above ground may be favored over underground (I know my neighbors 3 blocks down hate that the S train comes out of it's hiding place and rumbles past their windows at night).
From over the water on the D train you can see the Statue of Liberty, The (gorgeous) Brooklyn Bridge, and the (breath-taking) Manhattan sky-line. I love that last part at night the best.
From your decent on either side, you can see clothes hung out to dry, museum-quality graffiti, and life going by. People coming and going from stores and movies, people biking other people's foods to stoops and front-doors.

I need to stop taking the D train.
Because it makes me reflect. I see these stereotypical symbols of New York City. I witness on my way to Jamba Juice sights that people purchase on post-cards, prints, and posters. I see life happening, and it makes me realize how little I've done in the past year.

I moved to NYC a year ago (next Wednesday) and I haven't moved closer to my actual goal to moving here.
When people ask "Why did you come to New York?" my answer is always "I needed a job". Which yes, is true. But I could have worked in Philly, Allentown, DC...anywhere slightly urban, really. But I chose to move somewhere where I knew no one. Yes, it is still near my parents (2 hours), but in all the places I mentioned, I would have been within walking distance of someone I knew since my childhood, if not birth. I didn't want that.

I came to NYC, knowing Ryan wouldn't be with me. I knew he would be in two years, but that I had two years to figure myself out. I played undergrad too safe (something I vocally admit to anyone who will listen. I regret my choice in schools immensely) and never really explored myself academically or career-wise. I have no idea what I want to do for a job, and I know people move around and change that all the time - but I wanted to come up with some idea during these two years. I wanted to figure out my strengths, my weaknessess, my skills, my talents ... and I have spent a year going to museums, teaching fourth grade, and shopping for clothes.

How does one force an epiphany?

It's been a while...

I haven't posted in a long time, but here's what I've been up to:
1 - Almost done my NYU summer classes. I am enjoying one a lot but the other one is pretty stupid. Well, there goes $6,000
2 - I stepped on Sarah Silverman's foot at H&M. oops.
3 - Ryan and Gregory came to visit for a week. We saw celebs, went to UCB at Central Park, went to a Michael Showalter show, and GOT THE HARRY POTTER BOOK. We were photographed by a million people in our costumes and had a great time at the party at Union Square. I finished the book by 7:30 that morning. woo!
4 - I cut off my hair
5 - I bought 3 new pairs of glasses. yikes.

Yeah .... that's the last three weeks summed up.

39,789 good things are outweighed by 3 bad

so a ton of good things have been goin on since i got back from VA, but somehow all i can focus on are the bad.
this week alone i've seen: (ALL FREE) Ratatoui, Evan Almighty, Harry Potter 5, Patton Oswald Stand-up, Courtney Love concert, Tom/Steve/etc. Chapin Family concert .... but all I can think about is that I HAVE NO RUNNING WATER IN MY APARTMENT! This means no toilet, no sinks, and no shower. Monday is the EARLIEST it will be fixed. I am so upset. I had a WONDERFUL day today ... and at 10pm this happens. ugh.

I swear to never live below the Mason Dixon Line

So, I just got back from vacation in VA. It is awesome that school is out and being away for over a week was great. School ended on Wednesday, Thursday I had some appointments, and then I went to my parents' house. I was there with my parents, aunt, and cousin until Sunday after brunch. Then I drove down to VA to stay with Ryan and Gregory.

My time in VA was great - hanging out, sleeping in, laying by the pool, drinking beers, and oops .... getting a citation.
Apparently it is illegal to drink on PRIVATE property if you can be SEEN from PUBLIC property. (ie: you can't drink on your front porch because people can see you from the street. ie: you can't have a FOURTH OF JULY BBQ outside because people can see you from the road). RIDICULOUS.

so I now have a citation for Drinking in Public. My only fear was about my teaching career - but this is a lesser infraction than a speeding ticket, so as long as I pay it, there is no problem.

Now I'm back in NYC, taking classes at NYU and counting down the days to the last Harry Potter book.

Also, I'll be teaching 3rd grade next year.
Also, my apartment is full of bugs. I can't figure out how to get rid of them.

Wowza

From my NYU Professor:

Hi Liz,
I hope you are well. Your FBA was excellent. You received an A in the course. Here are some of my comments:
Your Frequency Chart & ABC Chart are both very thorough & succinct. The ABC Chart gives a lot of info in just a few clear words. I liked the idea of using magnets . I haven't heard of that before. I would also teach him a variation of the 4B's to further decrease anxiety. In terms of reinforcers, see what he likes. Many youngsters like taking pictures of themselves & or with friends & favorite teachers, clubs, choice time or other activities.
Given all the info you present, I think he should be evaluated by a physician or psychiatrist for a Tic Disorder, such as Vocal Tic Disorder or Tourettes.
You did an outstanding job, and I would like your permission to use your work in teaching the NYU course and in training psychologists with the Dept of Ed. Let me know.


YAH!!!!

Also, tomorrow is the last day of school. It is insane - I'm almost done.
I'm moving into another classroom in the main building so I have been packing and moving all week - but the woman whose classroom I'm moving into is NUTS. Totally crazy. SHE HASN'T PACKED A THING.
Tomorrow at 3:00 I'm out. She can have fun cleaning until Sunday.

Big Weekend in the City

My 10-year-old cousin came to visit this weekend. It's only Saturday night and already we have:
- gone to build-a-bear
- gone to dylan's candy bar
- ridden the ferris wheel in toys r us
- walked times square at night
- gone to the mermaid parade
- swam at coney island / hung out on the beach
- gone to the NY aquarium
- ridden the cyclone
- ate at nathan's hotdogs on the coney island boardwalk
- went to chuck e cheese
- seen the Nancy Drew movie

and she is still here for another day.

It's been expensive. but really fun.

Tired

I'm tired, so I'm going to post in bullet points. Enjoy.

. Ryan came to visit last weekend and it seemed like the longest weekend ever but in an awesome way. Usually fun weekends go by really fast, but this one did not. Making it harder to return to school today. We did a lot of different-parts-of-NYC-bar-crawls, went to the beach to see the skyline at night, saw Apples in Stereo, and hung out. Jimmy came to visit on Saturday too.
. Ryan is now officially old.
. A professor from undergrad, Dr. Hardcastle, came to NYC yesterday and we went to a show and then dinner together. It was awkward but fun. Indulging my ridiculous school-girl crush on his dreamy blue eyes.
. Today 11 kids were absent. It was amazing.
. I got my end-of-year rating sheet - I scored Satisfactory (it's only satisfactory or unsatisfactory. when I first saw the S I thought it meant that I was just mediocre, but such is not the case)
. My uncle took me out for the most expensive (AND BEST) dinner I've ever had tonight. I had escargot for the first time too. It was really good food.
. I can't wait for summer.
. My Harry Potter book release costume is coming along nicely.

Done.
I know you were holding your breath until the end.

One down..

So the first of all my friends (high school and college) got married over the weekend.
The wedding was a blast, but man ... people my age are getting married. crazy.

I caught the bouquet.

2 1/2 weeks of school left.

That's all I have the energy to post about

News!

News 1:

I am (Finally!) a New York State Certified Teacher! It came in the mail today!

News 2:

I was asked out on a date for the first time ever. This custodian at my school asked me out for dinner and dancing. He had hinted at it before, but hadn't ever asked me out directly. Funny part - I said thanks, but no thanks. He asked if I was seeing someone. I said yes. He asked why he never heard me hanging out with him. I said cause he went to VT. He then proceeded to have a panic attack about asking out a "Virginia Tech Survivor's Girlfriend" and how could he. hm.

New 3:

Dave gets married this weekend! I'm leaving tomorrow ... hopefully it's fun.

News 4:

Taking out my personal day, there are 12 days of school left and 2 are 1/2 days. Also, 1 is field day and 1 is the awards ceremony.

News 5:

I am teaching fourth grade next year in the building. It will be interested ... and the more I learn about my future class the more worried I am.

Yup.
Awesome.....

This has become a lot less about teaching

Well, I'm really not posting much about teaching. It just seems totally random ... this morning was one of the best teaching mornings I've ever had ... yet this afternoon was terrible. Did I do something different? Nope. Totally random. Ugh.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday

School went ok. I allowed the students to choose their own seats (after a talk about making good choices) and all but 5 made excellent choices. The 5 who did not are boys who never stop fooling around. I will have to move them. But because 19 of them had made good choices, the day of teaching actually went ok.

After school I had a hair appointment (and I really like the new place I found ... I'm glad to find a place I like AND can afford) and then I took a nap. Last night I went to see MISTAKES, a band in Williamsburg. They were really good, but once again, made me sad that I was alone there. Williamsburg is such a strange place. I don't know how to explain it. After 10pm there is no one younger than 21 and no one older than 30 on the streets. The streets are packed with people on stoops eating ice cream, people in bars that spill onto the sidewalk drinking, people performing car-trunk-karaoke, and people skateboarding. I hate that I walked through the crowds of fun to sit alone in the back room of some bar on North 6th. I do not lead a life like 90% of people in Williamsburg, but I am their age and somewhat cool - why am I still friendless?

Today

Today I worked at school 11-4 at the Health and Dance Fair. I ran a booth that had kids throwing balls into buckets to earn prizes. There was fruit and games and then a dance contest. It was REALLY hot, but it was fun. Such a different culture (as I keep repeating over and over) but it was fun. Anyway, it made me really sad that I was the only staff member there without kids to introduce around. Without a family there to hang out with at the event. I'm a one-woman family, and I don't like that.

So, in conclusion. I'm sad that I'm not a carefree 20-something with lots of partying to do. But I'm also sad that's I'm not a responsible parents with lots of stuff to do to take care of people.

Which would I rather be? I don't know. I'm stuck inbetween the two -- I'm the age/status of those who are carefree, but I have the career of the latter. Hm.

The Worst

All I feel like writing:

A kid peed on me (fourth grade?!??!?)
A kid punched me in the sternum.

cool.

Dear Ms.,

Thank you for being my teacher this year. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Love,

I want you to know that I had a good year with you I hope to see you next year. I love you and also our class. Love,

You are so special and so beloved, also successful. I love you,

You are a great teacher I am looking forward to make me pass 4th grade. Love you student,

Thank you for being so nice to us. You made us play games. You teach us thing we did not know. It is fun in this class. Love you,

I had a good time being with you and a relly wish you have a fantastic class of 4th grader. From,

Hey. Thank you Ms. for your hardworking. From,

Thanks for being a great teacher to me.

I love you as a 4th grade. Also I want you as a 5th grade teacher. Your the most onest person I know. You know what? I love you. From,

............

Today I came home and opened up my bag and found it full of envelopes. A bunch of my kids wrote me cards (see above) because they thought I had a bad day yesterday (Which may be true...)

Dammit, I thought I would be so happy that the year was over and that I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore, but I may be one of those teachers who gets a bit misty-eyed at the end of the year, if tonight was any indication.

It's the final countdown...

Only nineteen days (plus a personal day and 3 are half days) to go.
My kids didn't do so well on the state test. I almost cried right there in the school when I saw the scores.
I know I didn't FAIL these kids, but I didn't do the best I could have either. This first year has just been such a matter of survival. I know I know I know .... excuses and excuses. I came in October. It wasn't THAT late into the year. But I already know next year will be better. And if not, next summer will be a transition summer. Maybe leave teaching.

I want to see if I can do a full year, though. Start to finish.

In other news, thank God for airconditioning.
I don't know how I thought I would live here without it.
I guess like I thought I would live here without cable TV.
hahaha.

Home...?

I'm in PA right now, spending the weekend at my parents' house.

It's weird that I'm 23 and still say "I'm going 'home' for the weekend" and mean here. At what point will this not be 'home'? At what point will it be that I'm leaving home to go visit my parents?

We aren't really doing much here - just hanging out, but it's really relaxing and nice to get away. I bought air conditioners today - onsale for $89 each. I was excited to find them cheap enough so that I don't melt this summer. My parents are taking me back to Brooklyn tomorrow and my dad will install them for me.

Anyway, it's been nice hanging out in PA, but I am really looking forward to this summer when I can hang out in NYC.

PS. I want new glasses. I found ones I love today. But they don't take my insurance. So now I must eye-glass-store-hop in NYC to find a place that takes my insurance that I like the glasses at.

I'm a 23 year old!

It is 3:30am and I am still up. It's like I'm a 23 year old or something!
(I went out for 11pm pizza and then saw Pirates 3 tonight with friends)

It took a 3 hour nap this afternoon to get ready for this night out, but still - it was nice to not be in bed at 10pm.

--

Today I had a union meeting. I'm so glad I'm in the union, don't get me wrong - great pay, benefits, help, training, etc. ... but the meetings at my school are both unhelpful and stupid.
It's basically my union representative from my school standing on her soap box preaching to us. She thinks we need to take all rights allowed to us so seriously. That we are poor union members if we don't do everything we are permitted to do.
Example: We are legally allowed to file a greivance against the school if we request to teach a certain grade and we don't get that grade placement. Now, yes, I understand I am ALLOWED to file a greivance, but is that really in my BEST interest? Unless I have been applying year after year after year for a placement in Kindergarten and I keep getting place in fifth grade, then ok, I may do that AFTER I have talked to the Principal and the APs about why they are placing me there year after year. But if it is simply I asked for a placement once (even twice) and I didn't get it - wouldn't it be better overall for me to either a) deal with it or b) talk to the Principal or APs?
I think I would rather have a good relationship with my supervisors. Regardless of what grade I teach I have to work with them, be rated by them, and deal with them. Why would I TRY to make them upset?

I dunno, maybe that's just how I am - but my union rep seems to WANT to have conflict with the Admin at all times. She is always looking for ways to critique them or find ways that they aren't legally following all rules. At one of our staff meetings she yelled at the principal that we were to get all papers at the same time - right after the principal finished saying she hadn't gotten the copies back and that they would be in our mailboxes the next day. She wasn't trying to pull one over on us - she admitted she didn't have all the papers together for us and was fixing it. No reason to make an enemy.

Whatever.
bedtime.

Sick

So I'm sick. Which is lame. Because tomorrow starts Memorial Day Weekend! Dammit. I hate having a cold!

Today I scheduled my Fall Semester classes. I'm taking two literacy classes. This will have me at 14 credits by the end of the semester (it should be 15, but I'll be fighting my advisor on that one later). That is pretty much half-way done. Not bad. I really hope I can finish by the end of next summer. That would be great.

I ate dinner in Washington Park. I just sat and watched people go by. It still (after 10 months) blows my mind that I live in NYC.

Not really exercise...but I take what I can get

After school today, I went to the park. I claimed to be going "running", but I can't run more than a tenth of the mile without stopping. I know I could keep pushing myself but I hate the uncomfortable feeling of panting for breath and sweating. That is the biggest reason why I would stop working out once at the gym - I hate feeling sweaty.
Anyway, I went to the park and it was awesome. Hundreds of people under the trees, out in the sun, listening to the birds chirp, watching the squirrels jump around, and listening to the creek and waterfalls go by. It's crazy that only 3 blocks from my apartment is this oasis in Brooklyn. When I was out in the middle of the grass, I couldn't see a single building. Not a single car. No signs of this not being the middle of the woods. It was awesome.

Maybe that is what I need. Just more being outside time. I usually wake up in my apartment, walk a block to the subway, then stay in school all day, then take the subway back and stay in my apartment all night. Maybe just some sunshine is what I need.

In other news, I did sunless tanning yesterday. I didn't have a Ross-Moment, but it isn't 100% perfect. The middle of my back is kinda streaky (Which is weird) and my feet were really bad today. I didn't think they were bad enough to have to wear pants and shoes though, so I wore a skirt and sandles, as usual. My kids and a lot of the staff commented that my tan looked really good, and honestly, I thought it looked really good too (minus those two spots, one of which no one could see). Anyway, my principal called me into her office today to tell me that my feet looked terrible. Me being one of the few (5) white people at my school, I don't think she really understood why I wanted to be darker. I tried to explain that I was going to a wedding in a few weeks and wanted to test it out now to see how it worked. She said that my feet were gross looking and that she was impressed that I had enough confidence to still wear sandles with them looking like that (again ... I didn't think they were that bad!!) I then went back out to the main office and talked to the secretaries (both white) and they said that their feet get that way too and that after I showered tonight and scrubbed them, things would be fine. Which is true - my feet are fine. But they also agreed that they weren't THAT bad. They were a lot darker in spots, but it looked more like my feet were kinda dirty than anything else.
Oh well. My principal thinks I'm crazy ... but at least she likes me enough to tell me something like that.
right?

I am glad I live in NYC

So, as I said yesterday, I was really to pull out my highlighted hair so I signed up for a training. Thank goodness I live in NYC and could find one in less than 24 hours to attend.

- I got to SLEEP IN until 7:45 today
- I still had time to actually EAT BREAKFAST today
- I got a catered LUNCH today
- I went SHOPPING
- I went TANNING
- I LEARNED SOMETHING

Today was like the best Tuesday ever. It felt like a weekend.

I LOVE NYC!

Going Insane. And Fast.

So today my kids were just off-the-wall and crazy.
Non-stop talking ... and not just with me. They were held in at lunch today for rude behavior.

I accomplished 1/4 of what I had wanted to do .... I couldn't handle it.

So I went online and found that a conference was being held tomorrow in Manhattan about AIDS/HIV prevention for elementary school classrooms.
I wrote a long proposal about how I should be permitted to attend (none of which was a lie, but still...I may have been encouraged to submit this last-minute paperwork because of my kids driving me up the wall.
The principal approved and now I don't have to go to school tomorrow.

Amazing.
What a relief.
I don't know what I'm going to do on Wednesday, but I need to figure out something.

Almost done. And now with tomorrow being a non-teaching day for me, I only have ONE full-5-day week left this school year! Yes!

...
I just re-read what I wrote. I sound like a senior in high school. But I am at a loss...I started 2 months into the school year with these kids, and have been just fighting uphill all year. I'm really looking forward to next year.

Vacation while I was still here

My long-distance boyfriend (which is tough and stressful and really adds to how awesome this first year has been) came to visit for a few days. It was so wonderful to have someone to spend time with, to talk to, to go out with, and who just completely understood me.

He got here Wednesday morning while I was on my way to work. Then Wednesday night we went out for drinks and just walked around the Village (near NYU). Thursday I took a personal day. And while we didn't really DO anything, it was perfect. We walked the Village more and SoHo and just spend all day together, shopping and talking and just being together. Then I had class at NYU 5-7. After class we had dinner together and watched TV. I went to work on Friday and when I got home, there he was. We went out for a nice dinner and drinks as well. We both left Saturday morning to either go back to school (him) or to see parents (me).

I know it sounds like we did NOTHING, but that nothing made all the difference in the world. I gained some sanity. I gained some perspective.

Always, always, always people talk about how you need to find what you do that is like oxygen for you. Maybe dancing is what you need. Maybe making music is what you need. Maybe your job is what you need.
And those types of things are what are usually mentioned.
I do not need any of those things.
But, I was listening to yet another person and they mentioned something beyond painting, guitar, and singing : significant other. Now, I know why most people wouldn't say that - because you are depending on another person for happiness. BUT that's how I feel! I felt really alive ... really myself ... when he was here. I felt so much less stress. I felt happy! It was wonderful.

Now, maybe that isn't my "oxygen" or whatever, but hearing someone list that made me feel so much better. Because I'm not artistic. I'm not creative. I'm not a performer. I'm not an athlete. And I don't like going to work.
So even if this isn't actually my "oxygen" at least I can rest assured that the only thing (SO FAR) that makes me really happy could be that thing. I'll keep searching, but I feel better knowing I am not some weirdo who doesn't have that THING that makes her tick.

In school news, Friday was career day. It was really nice. My kids seemed really interested in the presentations and were well behaved (a huge problem I generally have with them). I don't understand how one person can talk in front of them and they are quiet and polite, and when I talk in front of them they are rude and crazy. What is the difference between me and them? I know I am short, white, and younger than most of their brothers/sisters, but why do they still think we are friends? I have always been clear that I am not their friend, that I don't care what they think of me, etc. But they still think I am. And I really don't know why.

In other news, it's almost summer.
Thank God.

Less than 30 Days to go...

Less than 30 days to go.
whew.

I begin graduate classes at NYU tomorrow. I'm nervous that I am making a mistake that will cost me tens of thousands of dollars by continuing an education in teaching. I want to stay in public education, but I don't want to teach forever...
I just don't know what it is that I DO want to do, though.

Maybe I should wait until I know what I want to do with my life before I begin school?

But then again, what else am I waiting for.

35 more days .. including those pesky/awesome half-days

I feel as if school is drawing to a close. I'm planning less. I'm wearing dresses and sandles. I'm playing more games with my students. I'm not stressed out about things, because I feel it's a little too late to change things too much. I will be in front of my kids teaching probably 30 more days. What real change can I bring about at this point?
There are no more state tests left to prepare for.
This is bad news that I have gotten Spring Fever as a teacher.

I'm still trying lots of new things. But at this point (this sounds terrible, I know) it's not so much to better THESE kids ... but to see what works and what doesn't work for my students next year. It's to test-run ideas I have whether I stick with them or not at this point.

I talk to other teachers and they seem to think the same way I do. I see them coming in with their more casual clothes...talking on cell phones during preps rather than planning...

The weather is gorgeous. I love this city. But I'm spending more time gardening, walking, and seeing shows. I'm stressing less about lessons, presentations, and paperwork.

This is both positive and negative. I'm not sure where this post is going. But I know that I'm happier.

Unsatisfied

I feel very unsatisfied with my life as of late.

i wake up too early each morning. i do motions through the day, passing the hours ... but doing nothing satisfying.
then I come home and watch-tv-away the hours of the evening until I fall asleep. Sometimes I do some planning or projects for school. It's May and I don't know what I've done for the past 9 months of my life. Nothing.

I am so unsatisfied. There is no other way to put it. I'm not growing educationally ... spiritually ... emotionally ... physically (feeling physically better, not getting fat). Nothing is improving. And being stagnent at age 23 is a sad, sad thing.

Today I was told I was "a good little teacher" by my principal. I felt honored that she notices me and thinks highly of me enough to say such a thing. But what was with the "little"? I think they find me a joke. As stupid as that sounds - I still come in with the creative writing, the art projects, the fancy posters that are hand-made. I'm not hardened..yet. I'm not strict..yet. I'm not trying to get by with the smallest amount of work by me..yet.

Today my principal said that "When I ask for A,B,and C .. you do A,B,C,D,E, and F". That's good...right?
Or maybe it's stupid on my part. I'm not sure how I should be doing on this job. I want to give my kids all I have - but it seems not worth it 99% of the time. It's not appreciated. It's not respected by the students or other adults.

I see why teacher burn out.

Too Tired

I have been so exhausted every day that I just can't get myself to post this.
Not that I do much.
For how much work I have to do, I certainly don't do a lot.

There are 41 more days of school - including a classtrip, career day, field day, a personal day I'm taking for a wedding, and the infamous do-nothing last day of school. So really, that's only 36 more days of school. It is pathetic that I am a grownup who apparently wants to dedicate her life (or at least a good decade or two of that life) to teaching, yet I want to get out of it as much as possible. I took a sick day on Friday (It was ligit, though) and then I was at a conference yesterday all day. Waking up each morning and dreading the day ahead of me is a terrible way to live. I hope next year is better. I hope next year I can get things better than this year.

Tomorrow is our class trip. I'm nervous and scared. I hate class trips. I hate that I don't have enough chaperones at this point because my mentor is ignoring me. What a waste the whole having-a-mentor-thing-is. I have probably met with her a dozen times. She has never modeled a lesson. She has never helped me create discipline plans or assessments. She has never looked at my lessons. She has never both observed me AND then talked about my performance with me. I know she has a lot of teachers to help out, but all I ask for is like an hour a week - how could it possibly be that I can't get that?

I am going to try to post more often.

Kids are driving me crazy, I accomplish a third of what I plan to each day, I am still overwhelmed by everything going on...

__________

I am a five foot two inch, white, young, female teacher. I never thought much of it. When I first moved to Brooklyn I did become a bit conscious of my different appearance from most of my neighborhood. Not in a negative way, but simply in a "wow, I am once again the only while female on this block" sort of thing.

In any event, I NEVER felt I had to apologize for my complexion. But since becoming a teacher I feel I should. I am constantly being told that 75% of teachers are white females and that we shouldn't be white or female because it hurts children. That kids should be being taught by teachers who look like them so that they can aspire to become educators as well.

What do they want me to do? Would they rather me be there, teaching, caring, and helping students or would they rather have no teacher for these kids? Or an unqualified teacher? I understand - to a point - why Chinese kids should have Chinese teachers and Haitian kids should have Haitian teachers - but that just doesn't happen. I also disagree a bit. My students have only met probably five white people in their lives. (most likely, all are teachers) If we keep them totally segregated they will never experience other cultures or races.

I hate that I am told that I should be apologizing for my race. I hate that I am told that I am doing a disservice by teaching these kids. It's ridiculous.

End rant.

Spring Break

It's spring break in the NYC Public Schools. I went home to stay at my parents' house for the majority of the break. Going home, sleeping in my high-school bed, relying on my mom for rides, and doing free laundry at my leisure - I no longer felt like an adult. I find that a week back in highschool or college mode makes it difficult to transition back to my apartment being the grown-up again. I still don't feel like I should be responsible for 25 children - their education, their safety, their happiness. It's overwhelming. I still ask my mom for a ride to the mall in PA, yet I am in NY and explaining to parents how to better raise their children.

In other news, I love the urban spring-time. I am creating a fire-escape garden. I grew up in a home with a huge yard, both front and back, and never did more than mow the grass if my brother wasn't around. Now I'm potting plants and watering flowers, and all sorts of things. I am also killing bugs and catching mice and trying to not scream when I turn on the lights in my bathroom.

Living alone has good ups, but lots of downs too.

After a week of living at home again, it makes me wonder if this is what I want to be happy. Friends from college live at home and substitute teach. Friends from college are waitressing while living back in PA. And maybe that would make me happier. I would be less stressed. I would be less crazy.

If I knew I was making a positive difference, I would want to keep teaching. But I don't see this. I feel like I'm stressed for nothing. And I hate that feeling.

Let me live up my last day of spring break.
55 more days of school.

I should had done this years ago - or at least months ago

I have been told since the beginning I should be keeping a diary, a journal, a blog - something - to document my trip to becoming both a professional and an adult.

Of course, I did not.

And now, here it is, the middle of March and I'm thinking "hmm...that would have been nice if I had done that from the start. Better late than never. Maybe.

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Today was parent/teacher conferences. After 124 days of school, I still do not feel like I should be giving advice to parents, telling students they may not be promoted, and all-around-being the authority. Parents say "well, what should I be doing?". I still don't understand why they are asking me! I'm a 23-year-old kid. I'm not an authority.

Experience is what I need, and I guess this is the only way to get it.

Today I had a parent with her son come in for conferences. Her son drives me up a wall - and he behaved the same in front of her as he does for me. The parent did nothing. She just rolled her eyes and said "stop it." If you cannot control your child what makes you think I can? It is very frustrating that I am to have all the answers to all the problem out there, yet I don't have any. I don't know what to do any more than she does, but I'm expected to. I don't know the paths to getting a kid help, the papers to complete, the forms to turn in, the people to talk to. All I know is I have a child who is slowly going insane, and I don't know how to help him. He has changed into a person I can no longer talk to. A person I don't recognize anymore - and I'm at such a loss as to what to do.

What would a real adult do?