The Worst

All I feel like writing:

A kid peed on me (fourth grade?!??!?)
A kid punched me in the sternum.

cool.

Dear Ms.,

Thank you for being my teacher this year. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Love,

I want you to know that I had a good year with you I hope to see you next year. I love you and also our class. Love,

You are so special and so beloved, also successful. I love you,

You are a great teacher I am looking forward to make me pass 4th grade. Love you student,

Thank you for being so nice to us. You made us play games. You teach us thing we did not know. It is fun in this class. Love you,

I had a good time being with you and a relly wish you have a fantastic class of 4th grader. From,

Hey. Thank you Ms. for your hardworking. From,

Thanks for being a great teacher to me.

I love you as a 4th grade. Also I want you as a 5th grade teacher. Your the most onest person I know. You know what? I love you. From,

............

Today I came home and opened up my bag and found it full of envelopes. A bunch of my kids wrote me cards (see above) because they thought I had a bad day yesterday (Which may be true...)

Dammit, I thought I would be so happy that the year was over and that I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore, but I may be one of those teachers who gets a bit misty-eyed at the end of the year, if tonight was any indication.

It's the final countdown...

Only nineteen days (plus a personal day and 3 are half days) to go.
My kids didn't do so well on the state test. I almost cried right there in the school when I saw the scores.
I know I didn't FAIL these kids, but I didn't do the best I could have either. This first year has just been such a matter of survival. I know I know I know .... excuses and excuses. I came in October. It wasn't THAT late into the year. But I already know next year will be better. And if not, next summer will be a transition summer. Maybe leave teaching.

I want to see if I can do a full year, though. Start to finish.

In other news, thank God for airconditioning.
I don't know how I thought I would live here without it.
I guess like I thought I would live here without cable TV.
hahaha.

Home...?

I'm in PA right now, spending the weekend at my parents' house.

It's weird that I'm 23 and still say "I'm going 'home' for the weekend" and mean here. At what point will this not be 'home'? At what point will it be that I'm leaving home to go visit my parents?

We aren't really doing much here - just hanging out, but it's really relaxing and nice to get away. I bought air conditioners today - onsale for $89 each. I was excited to find them cheap enough so that I don't melt this summer. My parents are taking me back to Brooklyn tomorrow and my dad will install them for me.

Anyway, it's been nice hanging out in PA, but I am really looking forward to this summer when I can hang out in NYC.

PS. I want new glasses. I found ones I love today. But they don't take my insurance. So now I must eye-glass-store-hop in NYC to find a place that takes my insurance that I like the glasses at.

I'm a 23 year old!

It is 3:30am and I am still up. It's like I'm a 23 year old or something!
(I went out for 11pm pizza and then saw Pirates 3 tonight with friends)

It took a 3 hour nap this afternoon to get ready for this night out, but still - it was nice to not be in bed at 10pm.

--

Today I had a union meeting. I'm so glad I'm in the union, don't get me wrong - great pay, benefits, help, training, etc. ... but the meetings at my school are both unhelpful and stupid.
It's basically my union representative from my school standing on her soap box preaching to us. She thinks we need to take all rights allowed to us so seriously. That we are poor union members if we don't do everything we are permitted to do.
Example: We are legally allowed to file a greivance against the school if we request to teach a certain grade and we don't get that grade placement. Now, yes, I understand I am ALLOWED to file a greivance, but is that really in my BEST interest? Unless I have been applying year after year after year for a placement in Kindergarten and I keep getting place in fifth grade, then ok, I may do that AFTER I have talked to the Principal and the APs about why they are placing me there year after year. But if it is simply I asked for a placement once (even twice) and I didn't get it - wouldn't it be better overall for me to either a) deal with it or b) talk to the Principal or APs?
I think I would rather have a good relationship with my supervisors. Regardless of what grade I teach I have to work with them, be rated by them, and deal with them. Why would I TRY to make them upset?

I dunno, maybe that's just how I am - but my union rep seems to WANT to have conflict with the Admin at all times. She is always looking for ways to critique them or find ways that they aren't legally following all rules. At one of our staff meetings she yelled at the principal that we were to get all papers at the same time - right after the principal finished saying she hadn't gotten the copies back and that they would be in our mailboxes the next day. She wasn't trying to pull one over on us - she admitted she didn't have all the papers together for us and was fixing it. No reason to make an enemy.

Whatever.
bedtime.

Sick

So I'm sick. Which is lame. Because tomorrow starts Memorial Day Weekend! Dammit. I hate having a cold!

Today I scheduled my Fall Semester classes. I'm taking two literacy classes. This will have me at 14 credits by the end of the semester (it should be 15, but I'll be fighting my advisor on that one later). That is pretty much half-way done. Not bad. I really hope I can finish by the end of next summer. That would be great.

I ate dinner in Washington Park. I just sat and watched people go by. It still (after 10 months) blows my mind that I live in NYC.

Not really exercise...but I take what I can get

After school today, I went to the park. I claimed to be going "running", but I can't run more than a tenth of the mile without stopping. I know I could keep pushing myself but I hate the uncomfortable feeling of panting for breath and sweating. That is the biggest reason why I would stop working out once at the gym - I hate feeling sweaty.
Anyway, I went to the park and it was awesome. Hundreds of people under the trees, out in the sun, listening to the birds chirp, watching the squirrels jump around, and listening to the creek and waterfalls go by. It's crazy that only 3 blocks from my apartment is this oasis in Brooklyn. When I was out in the middle of the grass, I couldn't see a single building. Not a single car. No signs of this not being the middle of the woods. It was awesome.

Maybe that is what I need. Just more being outside time. I usually wake up in my apartment, walk a block to the subway, then stay in school all day, then take the subway back and stay in my apartment all night. Maybe just some sunshine is what I need.

In other news, I did sunless tanning yesterday. I didn't have a Ross-Moment, but it isn't 100% perfect. The middle of my back is kinda streaky (Which is weird) and my feet were really bad today. I didn't think they were bad enough to have to wear pants and shoes though, so I wore a skirt and sandles, as usual. My kids and a lot of the staff commented that my tan looked really good, and honestly, I thought it looked really good too (minus those two spots, one of which no one could see). Anyway, my principal called me into her office today to tell me that my feet looked terrible. Me being one of the few (5) white people at my school, I don't think she really understood why I wanted to be darker. I tried to explain that I was going to a wedding in a few weeks and wanted to test it out now to see how it worked. She said that my feet were gross looking and that she was impressed that I had enough confidence to still wear sandles with them looking like that (again ... I didn't think they were that bad!!) I then went back out to the main office and talked to the secretaries (both white) and they said that their feet get that way too and that after I showered tonight and scrubbed them, things would be fine. Which is true - my feet are fine. But they also agreed that they weren't THAT bad. They were a lot darker in spots, but it looked more like my feet were kinda dirty than anything else.
Oh well. My principal thinks I'm crazy ... but at least she likes me enough to tell me something like that.
right?

I am glad I live in NYC

So, as I said yesterday, I was really to pull out my highlighted hair so I signed up for a training. Thank goodness I live in NYC and could find one in less than 24 hours to attend.

- I got to SLEEP IN until 7:45 today
- I still had time to actually EAT BREAKFAST today
- I got a catered LUNCH today
- I went SHOPPING
- I went TANNING
- I LEARNED SOMETHING

Today was like the best Tuesday ever. It felt like a weekend.

I LOVE NYC!

Going Insane. And Fast.

So today my kids were just off-the-wall and crazy.
Non-stop talking ... and not just with me. They were held in at lunch today for rude behavior.

I accomplished 1/4 of what I had wanted to do .... I couldn't handle it.

So I went online and found that a conference was being held tomorrow in Manhattan about AIDS/HIV prevention for elementary school classrooms.
I wrote a long proposal about how I should be permitted to attend (none of which was a lie, but still...I may have been encouraged to submit this last-minute paperwork because of my kids driving me up the wall.
The principal approved and now I don't have to go to school tomorrow.

Amazing.
What a relief.
I don't know what I'm going to do on Wednesday, but I need to figure out something.

Almost done. And now with tomorrow being a non-teaching day for me, I only have ONE full-5-day week left this school year! Yes!

...
I just re-read what I wrote. I sound like a senior in high school. But I am at a loss...I started 2 months into the school year with these kids, and have been just fighting uphill all year. I'm really looking forward to next year.

Vacation while I was still here

My long-distance boyfriend (which is tough and stressful and really adds to how awesome this first year has been) came to visit for a few days. It was so wonderful to have someone to spend time with, to talk to, to go out with, and who just completely understood me.

He got here Wednesday morning while I was on my way to work. Then Wednesday night we went out for drinks and just walked around the Village (near NYU). Thursday I took a personal day. And while we didn't really DO anything, it was perfect. We walked the Village more and SoHo and just spend all day together, shopping and talking and just being together. Then I had class at NYU 5-7. After class we had dinner together and watched TV. I went to work on Friday and when I got home, there he was. We went out for a nice dinner and drinks as well. We both left Saturday morning to either go back to school (him) or to see parents (me).

I know it sounds like we did NOTHING, but that nothing made all the difference in the world. I gained some sanity. I gained some perspective.

Always, always, always people talk about how you need to find what you do that is like oxygen for you. Maybe dancing is what you need. Maybe making music is what you need. Maybe your job is what you need.
And those types of things are what are usually mentioned.
I do not need any of those things.
But, I was listening to yet another person and they mentioned something beyond painting, guitar, and singing : significant other. Now, I know why most people wouldn't say that - because you are depending on another person for happiness. BUT that's how I feel! I felt really alive ... really myself ... when he was here. I felt so much less stress. I felt happy! It was wonderful.

Now, maybe that isn't my "oxygen" or whatever, but hearing someone list that made me feel so much better. Because I'm not artistic. I'm not creative. I'm not a performer. I'm not an athlete. And I don't like going to work.
So even if this isn't actually my "oxygen" at least I can rest assured that the only thing (SO FAR) that makes me really happy could be that thing. I'll keep searching, but I feel better knowing I am not some weirdo who doesn't have that THING that makes her tick.

In school news, Friday was career day. It was really nice. My kids seemed really interested in the presentations and were well behaved (a huge problem I generally have with them). I don't understand how one person can talk in front of them and they are quiet and polite, and when I talk in front of them they are rude and crazy. What is the difference between me and them? I know I am short, white, and younger than most of their brothers/sisters, but why do they still think we are friends? I have always been clear that I am not their friend, that I don't care what they think of me, etc. But they still think I am. And I really don't know why.

In other news, it's almost summer.
Thank God.

Less than 30 Days to go...

Less than 30 days to go.
whew.

I begin graduate classes at NYU tomorrow. I'm nervous that I am making a mistake that will cost me tens of thousands of dollars by continuing an education in teaching. I want to stay in public education, but I don't want to teach forever...
I just don't know what it is that I DO want to do, though.

Maybe I should wait until I know what I want to do with my life before I begin school?

But then again, what else am I waiting for.

35 more days .. including those pesky/awesome half-days

I feel as if school is drawing to a close. I'm planning less. I'm wearing dresses and sandles. I'm playing more games with my students. I'm not stressed out about things, because I feel it's a little too late to change things too much. I will be in front of my kids teaching probably 30 more days. What real change can I bring about at this point?
There are no more state tests left to prepare for.
This is bad news that I have gotten Spring Fever as a teacher.

I'm still trying lots of new things. But at this point (this sounds terrible, I know) it's not so much to better THESE kids ... but to see what works and what doesn't work for my students next year. It's to test-run ideas I have whether I stick with them or not at this point.

I talk to other teachers and they seem to think the same way I do. I see them coming in with their more casual clothes...talking on cell phones during preps rather than planning...

The weather is gorgeous. I love this city. But I'm spending more time gardening, walking, and seeing shows. I'm stressing less about lessons, presentations, and paperwork.

This is both positive and negative. I'm not sure where this post is going. But I know that I'm happier.

Unsatisfied

I feel very unsatisfied with my life as of late.

i wake up too early each morning. i do motions through the day, passing the hours ... but doing nothing satisfying.
then I come home and watch-tv-away the hours of the evening until I fall asleep. Sometimes I do some planning or projects for school. It's May and I don't know what I've done for the past 9 months of my life. Nothing.

I am so unsatisfied. There is no other way to put it. I'm not growing educationally ... spiritually ... emotionally ... physically (feeling physically better, not getting fat). Nothing is improving. And being stagnent at age 23 is a sad, sad thing.

Today I was told I was "a good little teacher" by my principal. I felt honored that she notices me and thinks highly of me enough to say such a thing. But what was with the "little"? I think they find me a joke. As stupid as that sounds - I still come in with the creative writing, the art projects, the fancy posters that are hand-made. I'm not hardened..yet. I'm not strict..yet. I'm not trying to get by with the smallest amount of work by me..yet.

Today my principal said that "When I ask for A,B,and C .. you do A,B,C,D,E, and F". That's good...right?
Or maybe it's stupid on my part. I'm not sure how I should be doing on this job. I want to give my kids all I have - but it seems not worth it 99% of the time. It's not appreciated. It's not respected by the students or other adults.

I see why teacher burn out.