Too Tired

I have been so exhausted every day that I just can't get myself to post this.
Not that I do much.
For how much work I have to do, I certainly don't do a lot.

There are 41 more days of school - including a classtrip, career day, field day, a personal day I'm taking for a wedding, and the infamous do-nothing last day of school. So really, that's only 36 more days of school. It is pathetic that I am a grownup who apparently wants to dedicate her life (or at least a good decade or two of that life) to teaching, yet I want to get out of it as much as possible. I took a sick day on Friday (It was ligit, though) and then I was at a conference yesterday all day. Waking up each morning and dreading the day ahead of me is a terrible way to live. I hope next year is better. I hope next year I can get things better than this year.

Tomorrow is our class trip. I'm nervous and scared. I hate class trips. I hate that I don't have enough chaperones at this point because my mentor is ignoring me. What a waste the whole having-a-mentor-thing-is. I have probably met with her a dozen times. She has never modeled a lesson. She has never helped me create discipline plans or assessments. She has never looked at my lessons. She has never both observed me AND then talked about my performance with me. I know she has a lot of teachers to help out, but all I ask for is like an hour a week - how could it possibly be that I can't get that?

I am going to try to post more often.

Kids are driving me crazy, I accomplish a third of what I plan to each day, I am still overwhelmed by everything going on...

__________

I am a five foot two inch, white, young, female teacher. I never thought much of it. When I first moved to Brooklyn I did become a bit conscious of my different appearance from most of my neighborhood. Not in a negative way, but simply in a "wow, I am once again the only while female on this block" sort of thing.

In any event, I NEVER felt I had to apologize for my complexion. But since becoming a teacher I feel I should. I am constantly being told that 75% of teachers are white females and that we shouldn't be white or female because it hurts children. That kids should be being taught by teachers who look like them so that they can aspire to become educators as well.

What do they want me to do? Would they rather me be there, teaching, caring, and helping students or would they rather have no teacher for these kids? Or an unqualified teacher? I understand - to a point - why Chinese kids should have Chinese teachers and Haitian kids should have Haitian teachers - but that just doesn't happen. I also disagree a bit. My students have only met probably five white people in their lives. (most likely, all are teachers) If we keep them totally segregated they will never experience other cultures or races.

I hate that I am told that I should be apologizing for my race. I hate that I am told that I am doing a disservice by teaching these kids. It's ridiculous.

End rant.

Spring Break

It's spring break in the NYC Public Schools. I went home to stay at my parents' house for the majority of the break. Going home, sleeping in my high-school bed, relying on my mom for rides, and doing free laundry at my leisure - I no longer felt like an adult. I find that a week back in highschool or college mode makes it difficult to transition back to my apartment being the grown-up again. I still don't feel like I should be responsible for 25 children - their education, their safety, their happiness. It's overwhelming. I still ask my mom for a ride to the mall in PA, yet I am in NY and explaining to parents how to better raise their children.

In other news, I love the urban spring-time. I am creating a fire-escape garden. I grew up in a home with a huge yard, both front and back, and never did more than mow the grass if my brother wasn't around. Now I'm potting plants and watering flowers, and all sorts of things. I am also killing bugs and catching mice and trying to not scream when I turn on the lights in my bathroom.

Living alone has good ups, but lots of downs too.

After a week of living at home again, it makes me wonder if this is what I want to be happy. Friends from college live at home and substitute teach. Friends from college are waitressing while living back in PA. And maybe that would make me happier. I would be less stressed. I would be less crazy.

If I knew I was making a positive difference, I would want to keep teaching. But I don't see this. I feel like I'm stressed for nothing. And I hate that feeling.

Let me live up my last day of spring break.
55 more days of school.